Saturday Humor: Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Source

Saturday Joke - Corporate Stupidity

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

I can be crafty too & Blog Design Contest

Best Blog Design Contest over at April Showers Blog Design

I am super thrilled & honored that April Showers Blog Design has picked my blog design to be placed in her 'Best Blog Design' contest. Go check out all the great blogs that I am running against (click link below) and choose your favorite.  I have to say I love 'Melanie's Musings' what an awesome design.

April Showers 'Best Blog Design' Contest

The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this... 
Men should  memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! 

This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS	SAFER	SAFEST	ULTRA  SAFE
What's for  dinner?	Can I help you with dinner?	Where would you like  to go for dinner?	Here, have some wine.
Are you  wearing that?	You sure  look good in brown!	WOW! Look at you!	Here, have some wine
What are you  so worked up about?	Could we be  overreacting?	Here's my paycheck.	Here, have some wine.
Should you be  eating that?	You know, there are  a lot of apples left.	Can I get you a piece  of chocolate with that?	Here, have some wine.
What did you  DO all day?	I hope you didn't  over-do it today.	I've always loved you  in that robe!	Here, have some wine.

 

12 Things PMS Stands For

1.  Pass My Shotgun 

2.  Psychotic Mood Shift 

3.  Perpetual Munching  Spree  

4.  Puffy Mid-Section 

5.  Provide  Me Sweets 

6.  Pardon My Sobbing 

7.  Pimples May Surface 

8.  Pass My Sweatpants

9.  Pack My Stuff   

and   

10.   Potential  Murder Suspect  

Now after reading these and laughing so hard.....

 

Go and have some wine.

Housewife Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it develops:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Valentine Jokes

 I just had a dream about it

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.  After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.  What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it ---only to find book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

I'm sending out some cards

A guys walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelops with hearts all over them.  He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.  The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A Mommy Moment

Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

Keeping A Healthy Level of 'Insanity'

  1.  At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
  3.  Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
  4.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  5.  Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  6.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN" or "INBOX"
  7.  Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  8.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  9.  In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for improper favors.'
10.  Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11.  Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12.  Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13.  Don't use any punctuation
14.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15.  Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16.  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17.  Sing along at the opera.
18.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19.  Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20.  Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21.  Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23.  Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24.  Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
25.  Have your own coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26.  When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!", "3rd time this week!!!"
27.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28.  Tell your boos "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
29.  Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
30.  Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

Here is my experience in the level of insanity, we really did these jokes.  It was soo funny.  We did 2 things in our workplace when I did work in an office.

1.  When our coworker left early, we wrapped his cubicle in some kind of plastic wrap we had in the warehouse and filled his cubicle up with the foam snow, he was not a happy camper the next morning.  Our boss was in on it too...gotta love our boss, he was the BEST.  After this joke, the coworker wanted to get the boss back so read the #2.

2.  We played a joke on our boss.  Everyone in the office left a voicemail telling him we were sick and not coming in.  We all did this one morning and we all parked our cars around the back of the building and waited on him to come in.  Our meeting room was right next to his office so you can hear everything from his office in the meeting room.  We all were in this meeting room while he was checking his voicemail and he was very angry that everyone called in sick.  We let him think this for about 10 minutes.  He said that was the best joke anyone has ever played on him.

ps. This all took place where I worked which was Printronix in Memphis, TN which is about 5 minutes from my town of Southaven, the facility has since closed.  Our corporate office was in Irvine, CA and they decided to close us down and move everything there.  I was planning on quitting and my boss knew it and told me to stay on until they laid me off so I could get my severance pay.  This was back in June 2004.